my immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone..


These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me


These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along


This is my favourite song..touching and dig deep inside you.
But i'm not the right person to interpret the lyric content.


1.Interpret #1
Perhaps some people read a death theme into the lyrics because of the loss of Amy's sister, and mistakenly believing that Amy wrote it. However, feeling the presence of a loved one after death usually brings comfort, not a wish that they'd go away and leave you alone. Nor would death be a reason to resent having been alone "all along." Death generally results in temporary anger over them having left AFTER they die.
Regardless as to what the original intent of an author is, quite often they will later read something they've written and realize that their subconscious has added multiple levels of meaning to their work. Most artists are aware of the possibilities, no, probabilities of this occurring.
To me, this song could be about a lover, a friend, a parent, a child, a grandparent...or any other person that is loved but takes or even destroys in return. This story is kind of told in reverse, beginning with her/his feelings and then giving us clues as to "why."
Most importantly, it seems to be more about losing one's own sense of identity and self-worth due to the loss and/or betrayal of a loved one than about the actual loss of the loved one--in fact, the desire is that the loved one just go away (taking all the painful love and memories with them.)


"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears"
-She (or he) is emotionally drained and paralyzed by fear--by the end of the lyrics, I'd probably define the fears in terms of the psychological state known as "learned helplessness"


"And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone"
-She is constantly tormented by memories he left behind.


"These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase"
-He hurt or betrayed her in a way that she can never forget or recover from the emotional damage.


"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me"
-Out of love, she sacrificed her life to his well-being and in return, he took her life with him (emotionally/metaphorically) when he left.


"You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind"
-She has and always will be imprisoned by him: First it was willingly out of love (captivated by his light); but now she is entrapped by despair (bound by loss and lies)


"Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams"
-A face she loved (trusted) has incomprehensibley become the face of her tormentor. A dream morphing into a nightmare.


"Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me"
-His words before leaving callously revealed the truth; his deceptions, her delusions, and destroyed her sense of reality.
"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along"
-She is struggling with the reality that she was all alone in her love when he was with her...and ironically, now that he's left her, she isn't alone: He torments her with the memories of his betrayal (perhaps complicated by her genuine love for who she thought he was.)


2.Interpret #2
 "I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone"
-This is the pain of watching someone you love die and not be able to do anything about it. Being afraid of losing them, of the pain that comes from losing someone. Watching someone hang on when physically they are there but mentally they are gone.


"These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase"
-Expression of human suffering when someone you love dies.
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears


When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me"
-She was there for this person, through the pain, the suffereing the fear. She has been there always and even though this person will be gone soon, they still have her whole heart.


"You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me"
-Again, this is the mentality of someone watching the one they love die. All she can think about is the times that he was well. She is feeling resentment for still hanging onto these memories. She is feeling angry and sad because she can't let go of the past.


"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along"
-She is trying to convince herself to let go because she knows that he cannot be with her in any way. And she has felt the burden all alone in this. She wants to let go before he dies but she can't.


This song is raw emotion about watching someone you love die and not be able to do anything about it. It's feeling sadness, resentment, anger and fear all at the same time.


3.Interpret #3
It's NOT about Bonnie, Ben wrote it around a short story. I think it's about the one love we all had as kids... where you spent every minute thinking about them, and when it was over, you realize how foolish it was, but for some reason you never forget them, and wonder why, a year later, you still remember everything they said and did. You know you're over them, but that time has become a part of your life that will affect you in some way (I've tried so hard to tell myelf that you're gone, but though you're still with me...), you know that what you felt was still never quite what you wanted (I've been alone all along.)


4.Interpret #4
I honestly think that it's about someone that a person has devoted their whole life to loving and cherishing. No matter what, this person was there for them and no matter the circumstance they always provided for them. And by some cruel strike of fate's marriage to tragedy that steals that person from them. They have probably grieved until they felt like they could finally let it all go into the grounds with what's left of the 'relationship' there was, but no matter what, they'll never be rid of them completely. The long walks and talks at midnight....summer days....beaches...feelings....MEMORIES.
Those are the things you just can't get rid of.
5.Interpret #5
I feel this song is about an idea & expectation of what a relationship is supposed to be & their disappointment in that idea not being fulfilled by the other person. It's about a person who was once in what they believed was a good relationship & then the person left by choice after a turbulent time(a lover, but more likely a parent who abandoned them as a child or was neglectful) & the scars it leaves when the person abandons the other.
-"suppressed by all my childish fears"


The abandoned person is trying to move on from the pain & memories, but feels frustrated, stunted, and stuck in the pain the relationship created for them.
-"I'm so tired of being here" "suppressed"


The person is no longer with them physically (they were eventually left or abandoned by choice), but the pain is still there mentally & the person feels angry/frustrated about it & wants to move on.
-"and if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave"


The person may be talking to both to that person who left them, but also to their own self post-abandonment; & pain they feel inside & their anger & frustration about their inability to escape from it no matter how hard they try or how much they try to comfort their own self. Now is the transition where they talk both about the relationship(how they tried to help & how much of themselves they gave to the abandoner), but also they are talking to the pain and destruction the abandonment caused in its wake (and now how they are trying to comfort their own self after the relationship ended & reclaim their life back, but its not working & the person/pain still has a hold of them).
-"your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone" "these wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time can not erase"
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you(the pain) still have
All of me"
-The relationship used to be a positive force in songwriter's life & they used to be at peace (or so they think).
"You used to captivate me
By your resonating light" "my once pleasant dreams"


But since the person left them they feel only pain at the thought of them & the pain they are now stuck with or bound to.
-"Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me"


The person is trying so hard to get over the pain, but has now realized the relationship was not as good or positive as they originally believed & that the other person was never really there for them (they were neglectful from the very beginning even before the abandonment); the only thing left from the relationship is the pain it caused, but never actually the person. In fact, the pain is the only thing that was really there.
-"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone (the person)
But though you're still with me (the pain)
I've been alone all along"


The pain is the immortal.

lonesome


''Solitude is painful when one is young,but delightful when one is more mature'-Albert Eistein

 Tonight I can't sleep..so its good  to write anything to  lift some issue inside me.


In year 2011..hope life getting better..just work with a flow.People come and go most of the time.I don't give a damn if all my those rambling post is nothing and surely will be the only me who;s read it.
I had attended some trip and most of my working days are filled with the meeting,discussion,seminar,gosh so exhaused of attend the meeting.Mind my language but i'm not the best,the brightest,the prettiest of all.Needless to say I have nothing to be proud of.With a tough days and two kids in my hand,life go on.
Most of my time,i'm pack with my daily routine,but then deep inside my heart,there's an empty space that can never be filled.There are some place inside me that can never be replace..
"Where have all the good men gone And where are all
the gods? Where´s the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds? Isn´t there a
white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night
toss and turn and dream of what I need
 I need a hero I´m holding out for
a hero ´til the end of the night
He´s gotta be strong And he´s gotta be fast And
he´s gotta be fresh from the fight I need a
hero I´m holding out for a hero ´til
the morning light He´s gotta be sure And
it´s gotta be soon And he´s gotta be
larger than life
Somewhere after midnight In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach There´s
someone reaching back for me Racing on the thunder
and rising with the heat It´s gonna take a
superman to sweep me off my feet
Up where the mountains meet the heavens above Out
where the lightning splits the sea I would swear
that there´s someone somewhere Watching me
Through the wind and the chill and the rain And
the storm and the flood I can feel his approach
Like the fire in my blood..

maybe a hero like this..

 
or someone like him
...Someday feel life can never be complete  without love-
#someone to love and being love by someone.#
This statement would neither earn respect from your friend nor wish people around you to applaud.
This no no wisdom statement would make you either as a stupid woman who then will be labelling 'moron'woman live and die for the man',psycho or the 'fragile  woman on earth'.Then there will be a card to place on your table- 'be strong','love yourself is the most precious' bla,bla...
So most of the woman will ignore these sign of ..try to be strong as the words plastered in their head is - 'nothing smell worse to a man than a desperate woman'..haha..
The  period of longing  for a presence of a knight in shining amour,a hero to find a damsel in distress,and a superman to swept off the feet is like to wish an a genie appear from the old lamp..
Why i'm only 34 but I felt like a hundred years old....With no social life and tired old woman appearance,thats exactly what i felt.
This is not a complaint..but I will be dead with this feeling.
With the fat rose from 40% to 60% to cover my body..thats the bonus. (argh can't you stop complaining and working on it).Yeah,this is my true feeling, and the would never be a surreal feeling than this.
 I know and I am fully aware of the guideliness to lighten up your life:

a.Do the thing you love
b.Fill your day with the support group,club and hobbies
c.Look upon your future,not the past
And many more.
The choice is yours and yours alone.

Don't give a damn.Everynight I went to bed,I dream of living in Europe.haha..nice.We will be together and live happily ever after.(this is the most ridicilious thing I ever posted).keep on dreaming.
There's some incident that I wish would never occured at the first place like encounter  your old boyfren that you've been dumped a years ago.Its just will make life more miserable (i wish you you dead and burn in the hell).For that,don't ever try to undercover in fb just want to know my latest update.I had block you and I have nothing to do with you anymore.Fool me once shame on you,fool me twice shame on me.
You are the creature I hate most in my life.To see your face from a far alone can make me nausea.
So please get lost!! 
One thing i'm sure and trust myself  200%  is that once your true love(not 1st love) is gone,there will be never be a subside or amendment can be made.glass only fill half empty.
Don't give a damn.
Most of   my days and my life are good,bless and i had everything that one woman can asked for.
La di da di da....

  Nowadays I am playing this damn good song. You belong to me version by JasonWade over and over..even there's no one belong to me.


See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sun rise from the tropic isle
Just remember darling all the while
You belong to me ...
See the market place in old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me '''
And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too
Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember till you're home again
You belong to me ...





My very own qoutes line refer to my die alone issue  is:
"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out,but to see who cares enough to break them down"




So long..starting new life in north peninsular Malaysia

It's been so long since my last entry.
I have started my new job,moving to Bukit Kayu Hitam town and try to live slow and smooth.
It just take me about 20 minutes from my home to the office and driving in the highway road without a toll.
The life here most like rural folks,and mostly the people here are origin from the village,and the only reason the outsider moving in because they are goverment servant like myself either as a teacher,army,custom dept or fire bridged.
I had promise to dedicated my full page of Bukit Kayu Hitam,well hopefully this will be help for those who want to move here or to searching for info here.
My entry is not coverage all the BKH (Bukit Kayu Hitam) ..its cover my home area.
Before reaching to the immigrant office and to the borders check point,there were the junction at the end of the highway.So the are population of most of the goverment servant.There also a clinic,post office,small shop lot,housing area and school.I wondered how the place look like before moving in here,it's like a cowboy town as you may say.

My full page to BKH town somehow not that much detsil as I still not familiar yet.In this entry I just focus on my reside area.


The way to the borders and the junction.Reside area before border to turn left.On friday there will be a traffic jam of truck and lorry container

Post office,next to the small bush..uhh bit scary to bring along the money for bank-in



The post office parking..'very green'..

The boarding school next to the highway

The highway...




The reside housing terrace
The shoplots

Small shop here..but there a lot of shop lot here with the food corner,duty free shop,market and price of raw item quite high but the food stall was cheaper




Way to my working place.Almosst every morning was cover by mist and cold

The view from a far at the roundbout of the hill

The highway..up and down on the hill

Seksa gile nk cr info psl area Bukit Kayu Hitam ni..

Since I will be moving to the Bukit Kayu Hitam area end of this month,I try to search as much as the info as I could.But..no that much info except this town is a Malaysia-Thailand border and duty-free centre.
Gosh..susahnya nk dpt info psl BKH ni..Xperrrr..nnti aku dh pi sana,aku akn dedicated satu blog pasal BKH ni.Aku nk survey sb nk tau any easy acess yg aku boleh dpt kt sana sb aku kn pindah dgn ank2,jd nk taulah ada pasaraya ker,salon rambut ker,kedai buku ker...Wait till I reside there,then I will create and dedicate a full page story of the Bukit Kayu Hitam town area,hows the day of their resident and how is the feeling here to be surround by the hill and tropical rain forest.
I believe many of us who want to move here,whether due to appointed as a civil servant or doing some errands to cover the Bukit Kayu Hitam area will try to obtain as much as the info of BKH to be prepare.

The map of Bukit Kayu Hitam -Google


The duty free complex at the border Malaysia-Thailand
 This pic I obtain from the internet but its seem that only this can related to BKH.

Zaman dulu-dlu....

Dulu zaman dok kt kg...kenangan umur 8,9,10 tahun asyik dok main keliling kg mengalahkan budak2 lelaki..main senapang,polis sentri,congkak,jengket (yg kaki sebelah tu..kedah panggil main jengket),main tanah buat kek dlm tempurung..bestnya!!
Yg sadis tu.. apa yg kitorg wat kt tok nek,org tua dkt umh aku,dh tua dan dok sorg2.Kami bg kek yg kami buat dari tanah (tanah campur air pastu jemur,kira jd kek tanah,cantik pulak tu) ,pastu letak dlm daun pisang,last sekali suruh salah sorg geng yg dipercayai tok nek tu (sb mak dia selalu suruh dia hantar lauk kt tok nek tu) utk hntar kek tanah tu.PEhh punyalah suka org tua tu dpt kek..tgk2 tanah!jahat sungguh masa tu, tak termasuk lg curi tebu dan jambu batu kt kebun org..Siap ada geng 5 sekawan a.k.a SHAN..haha...Mandi sungai pn sama-sama bogel sampai kena kejar org yg'otak tak centre' ..tp masa tu main dlm hutan,tak ada sapa pn nk kacau,tak ada kes rogol+bunuh budak mcm skrg..baik org2 dulu..jahat2 budak bujang kt kg aku dulupn, abis kuat diorg ngendap ank dara org jer.Bdk2 ni depa langsung tak kacau.Kacau suh krim slm kt kakak aku yg cun ada la..
Main masak-masak guna daun pokok tu dh kira mcm mkn nasi dh..tiap ari ngadap tambah lg time cuti sekolah.Main nenek2,puteri2 pn selalu.main puteri ni gua tension sb asik orang sama jadi putri.aku asik kena jadi dayang sebab tak comel kot.pastu guna daun pokok jdkn duit utk beli ikan tipu2.adalah yg jd penjual ikan,jual aiskrim tipu.Ceh,pastu sume tido jap,nnti ada la yg buat bunyi aym berkokok..then sume pn bgn mulakan hari baru...abis hutan kt belakang umg jd cerah sb kami tebas utk jdkn umh kami dan kawasan 'kg' kami..klu bln posa masing2 x larat jadi asik main batu seremban jek..dhtu asik org yg yg sama jek menang sb dia terror!tu yg aku mls nk main sb aku x terror sgt..Tv kt umh manalah ada masa tu..umo aku dlm 6thn cmtu,dlm thn '83.'84..rindu weh....
Pastu buat jam tgn dari daun kelapa,ckp dgn kwn2 guna jam palsu tu..konon jam palsu tu mcm hp la..
pdhal kwn kt sebelah je pn..tgk imaginasi tinggi tu...Tgk2 skrg pn dh ada teknologi mcm tu..

Ni la idola aku masa tu..siap pi tgk ramai2 kt umh kwn yg ada tv,lepas tgk konon cita-cita nk kawin dgn mamat ni haaaa....kui kuiii..pastu ada lg hero..cite Ninja yg ada group jgk,Yin,Sasuka dan len2 yg aku dh lupa dh..
Gaban...ramai gile peminat dia masa tu...
Kartun pn tgk yg bermoral jek..hehe...
masa tu minat gila tgk kartun ni....skrg pn patut ada gk selingan cite ni bg ank2 tgk...sb ni kn hikayat zaman dulu...
Kancil yg bijak..guna nama Raja Sulaiman jek kejanya...
Lah...buaya pn kena tipu..satu dua aku lekuk..tiga empat kena ketuk...teringat suara kancil yg comel tu...



Pastu umo 14thn..minat mamat ni pulak...masa tu umo 14thn pn perangai mcm2 budak2 lg..tak mcm bdk skrg..cpt mature..
Masa tu aku rasa baja hitam ni la manusia paling hensem dimuka bumi nih..haha...
Pastu... Miero attack..best best..berpusing-pusing bola tu kena tampar.Ceh,masa tu heroin sexy tak kena gam pn..kui.. kuii...

Then,minat hindi movie pulak terutamanya mamat ni...Aamir Khan..hehe



Umo 15thn,tukar selera minat mat saleh pulak...ni lak hero pujaan aku..tahun '92,'93 cmtu..

aku suka Jason Priestly..
Beverly Hills 90210..siap beli t-shirt berhelai-helai.Punyalah bangga dpt tayang baju tu masa Sukan kt sekolah..pastu minat yg ni pulak...
Tgk siri ni tiap mlm sb nk tgk Johnny Deep jer...
Adoi..rosak2 sb pengaruh TV.Pi sekolah jumpa kengkawan,mesti pagi2 dh update pasal latest siri sml..pastu beli majalah yg ada pic hero2 ni walau duit takder..Johnny Depp topik hangat kami la..dh tu berebut lak sapa yg minat dulu.Kt bilik aku tu penuh poster dia kt pintu bilik sampai kena marah sb umh dh mcm kedai kaset.

Tahun 1993',94' ,95'..
Naik tingkatan 5,selera dh tukar pulak..cmner boleh terminat kt Michael Doohan pn xtau.TP kali ni kira serius gila..siap aku hntr surat kt photographer akhber Berita Harian,pastu masukkan duit dlm tu mintk tlg dia amik gambar Mike Doohan dan kirim kt aku.Sampai la ni aku tak dpt jawapan..sian aku...
Dgn Doohan lain ckit,aku dh tak minat org lain.Aku ngadap tv(ceh,tv dh ada kt umh ms tu) tunggu dia race kt mana-mana litar tak kiralah kul 2,3 pg pn sb ada siaran langsung.Arwah ayh aku punyalah bising..ada jer cover pasal dia sume aku beli..dulu lumba motor kira rancak,dpt cover penuh sb ada tajaan Rothman-Honda,Lucky stike,Marlboro-Yahama..jd grand gile sb poster dia akan keluar paper satu muka surat bila dia menang mlm tu.Gmbar dia tgh tunggang motor la yg kuar..
Aku memang minat abis dgn dia..sampai satu sek pn tau..aku ada buat buku scrap pasal dia-kumpul sume pic dan detail dia.kt memana je aku tgk pic dia,aku akn amik tak kiralah kutip kt jln ker,pi selongkar umh org ker jnji dpt pic dia..majalah motor apa tah yg aku selalu dok beli dulu..ms tu manalah byk majalah melayu cover psl motor ni,jd mahal la harganya.Huh..tak kira,aku beli jgk.Pastu semedang je beli paper NST sb paper ni byk cover Doohan.Taukeh kedai paper tu melayu..siap mcm respect kt aku sb beli paper omputih..hehe tp dia xtau aku pn bkn reti baca sgt,nk amik gmbr mamat tu je yg lebih...

huh..powernya corner baring tu.....

pujaan hatiku...
masa tu aku benci betul kt Wayne Rainey dgn Kevin Schwantz sb depa ni la yg asik bg saingan sengit kt doohan
Masa tu sukan motoGP 500cc,250cc ni mencapai golden era.Sb masa tu memang 3juara ni berebut dan berjuang bermatian utk menang..masing2 ada kekuatan tersendiri.Peminat motor pn ternanti2 saper yg akan jd champion di setiap litar dan publisiti pn meletup pasal Grand Prix 500cc ni..paper pn akan keluar sume biodata psl racer ni,poster kira rancak habis lah,.tak mcm skrg..dh suram sukan motor ni.Penaja pn berebut nk sponsor iklan pelumba depa kt paper dulu.
Aku dpt buat 2buku scrap pasal dia..byk gila pic dia.Bangga tuh siap pi tunjuk kt kengkawan di sekolah.Kwn2 pn ada yg sokong,tlg aku kumpul pic Doohan ni..tp bdk2 lelaki kelas biasalah,asik dok perli aku jek.Tension aku.
Nasib baik SPM bole jgk score walau dok tgh masyuk dgn dia..haha..mcm tomboi aku..masa tu impian nk pi Brisbane (tempt dia lahir) dan jumpa dia.Tingkatan 5 mcm mature ckit..dh tak melahu sana sini.Tp masa tu aku ni mcm dh terpesong ckit..cita-cita pn nk kawin dgn mat saleh,hehe...mesti korang pn ada yg mcm aku kn??

Last sekali minat mamat ni...The New Adventure of Robin Hood


Matthew Poretta



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