Love Myths Tales

1.Alpheus and Arethusa:

In the city of Syracuse in Sicily there is a spring called Arethusa that has an interesting story. Once, Arethusa was not a spring but a beautiful young Greek huntress and a follower of Artemis. Like the goddess, she would have nothing to do with men. She loved running and hunting in the forest. One day after an exhausting hunt, she came to a crystal clear stream shaded by silvery willows. She decided to take a swim, and slipped into the water and swam about in utter peace for a while. Then she seemed to feel something beneath her in the water. Frightened, she scampered out of the water, and heard a voice that seemed to come from the water. "Why are you leaving, fair maiden?"
Now terrified, she ran into the forest as fast as she could. She was pursued by one stronger, if not swifter than she. The voice of the unknown told her that he was Alpheus, the god of the river, and that he was only following because he loved her. She ran on, but she could never escape; a river, after all, can run longer than any mortal. Finally, completely exhausted, Arethusa called out to Artemis, and the goddess answered by changing her into a spring, but not an ordinary spring. Aretmis cut the earth so that an underground channel was made from Greece all the way to Sicily. Arethusa plunged down and emerged near Syracuse where the spring bubbles forth today, on land sacred to Artemis. Alpheus, being a river god, turned himself back into a river, and plunged down the same channel. Arethusa was not free of Alpheus. Their waters mingled. Even today, you can believe it or not, that Greek flowers are sometimes seen in the Sicilian spring, and if you throw a wooden cup in the Alpheus river in Greece, it will reappear in Arethusa's spring.
 
 
2.Aphrodite and Adonis
Aphrodite saw Adonis when he was born and noticed his potential beauty. She entrusted his care taking to Persephone who later fell in love with him and would not give him back to Aphrodite. Zeus had to judge as neither goddess would relinquish their claim. He decided that Adonis would spend half of the year with Persephone and the other with Aphrodite. During the time with Aphrodite Adonis loved to hunt. She would follow him dressed like a huntress as he drove her swan-chariot through the woodlands. One such occasion Aphrodite was not with him as he and his hunting dogs tracked a wild boar. Adonis' spear only wounded the mighty boar that turned mad with pain and gored Adonis with his tusks. Aphrodite heard his cries and fled to him. The dark blood flowed down his skin and his eyes grew heavy. She kissed him as he died. The crimson anemone, a wind flower, sprang up where his blood had dropped. She wept for him as did all the Muses.
 
 
 
3.Apollo And Daphne
Daphne was an independent-minded, love- and marriage-hating young huntress, a follower of Artemis (Diana). Her father, the river god Peneus, wished her to marry and have children, but all Daphne that wanted was to hunt alone in the deep woods, rejoicing in her freedom.
One day Apollo saw her. She was hunting, her dress short to the knee, her arms bare, her hair in disarray. She was enchantingly beautiful and Apollo thought, "She is lovely now, but what would she look like properly dressed with her hair nicely arranged." The idea inflamed him, and he started running after the nymph. Daphne fled, and she was an excellent runner. Apollo was hard put to overtake her, although he grew steadily closer. He cried out, "Do not fear, stop and find out who I am. I am no rude rustic or shepherd but the Lord of Delphi, and I love you!" But Daphne flew on, even more frightened than before. She knew she could never outrun Apollo, but she was determined to resist to the end. She could almost feel Apollo's breath on the back of her neck when she saw her father's river ahead of her. She screamed to him, "Help me father, help me." At these words a dragging numbness came over her, and her feet seemed rooted in the earth. Bark was enclosing her body, and leaves were sprouting from her arms. She had been changed into a laurel tree.
Apollo sadly watched the transformation as he held her in his arms. "Oh, lovely tree," he mourned, "you will always be mine. I will give you the gift of eternal life. Your leaves will always be green and victors will wear your leaves as wreathes upon their brows." Poets also write that Apollo took a limb from one of her branches and made a musical instrument, the guitar.
Another version of Apollo's instant love for Daphne was the cause of a trick played by Cupid who struck Apollo with one of his golden arrows when he first saw the nymph, and her with a lead arrow when she noticed his advancement.
 
 
 
 
4.Apollo and Hyacinth
Apollo enjoyed the sport of discus throwing, especially with a youth named Hyacinth or Hyacinthus, his dearest companion. There was no rivalry; they tried for the farthest goal. Apollo's cast swiftly sped beyond his aim and struck Hyacinth full in the forehead. Apollo was horror struck to see the terrible wound with blood gushing forth. As he caught the dying youth in his arms, Hyacinth's head fell back. As Apollo knelt beside his friend and wept for him, he noticed the bloodstained grass turned green and a wondrous flower bloomed, not like the hyacinth we call by that name, but a deep purple lily-shaped flower. Apollo inscribed the petals with two letters "ai" meaning alas. Another version tells the story that Hyacinth was killed in the same manner when playing this sport with Zephyr, the west wind. There is also a story that Zephyr purposefully killed Hyacinth in his jealous anger at Apollo's preference to him.
 
 
5.Ceyx and Alcyone
Ceyx, the king of Thessaly, was the son of Lucifer, the light bringer, the star that brings in the day. His wife, Alcyone, was the daughter of Aeolus, the King of the Winds. They were a faithful and devoted couple and never separated. Nevertheless, there came a time when Ceyx decided that he must leave her and make a long journey across the sea to consult an oracle. Alcyone was hysterical with grief and worry. She had grown up in the palace of the King of the Winds and knew very well what often happened to ships at sea. When she was that he was firm in his determination to make this trip, she begged to be allowed to go with him, "I can endure whatever comes to us together." Yet, although Ceyx loved Alcyone as much as she loved him, he would not allow it. So he sailed alone.
 
6.Cupid and Psyche
There was a certain king who had three lovely daughters. The older ones had married princes of wealth and fame, but the youngest, Psyche, was so radiantly beautiful, so striking attractive that men thought she was Venus on earth. They were satisfied just to pass by her house, sing hymns in her praise and then go on about their business.

Venus soon noticed that her temples were deserted. There were no warm ashes on her alters. In anger, she summoned her winged son, Cupid. "Cupid, my temples are deserted; men no longer make sacrifices there and all because of this mere mortal called Psyche. I want you to go down and shoot her with one of your love arrows and make her fall in love with some loathsome, ill-mannered man who will treat her cruelly.

When Cupid found Psyche, he too fell in love with her beauty. Some say it was as though he had struck himself with one of his own arrows. He did not follow through with his mother's orders and returned home saying not a word.
Venus watched but no suitor came to ask for Psyche's hand in marriage. Psyche's parents became alarmed. Her parents decided to consult an oracle of Apollo for advice. Cupid had prearranged a meeting with Apollo for this consultation; "Dress the princess for her marriage and her death. Take her to yonder mountain top and leave her there alone. There her destined husband, a fearful winged serpent, stronger than the gods will come and take her away."

"Don't weep for me now, father," said Psyche," my beauty has drawn down upon me the jealousy of Heaven. Now go, knowing that I am glad the end has come."

Her parents left. Psyche sat down and as she wept and trembled, a soft breeze came through the stillness of her, the gentle breeze of Zephyr, sweetest and mildest of the winds. He lifted Psyche away and took her to a grassy meadow, soft as a bed and fragrant with flowers. She slept there. When she woke, she saw a mansion stately and beautiful as though built for a god. She walked toward the mansion hearing not a sound nor hearing a single word. The place seemed deserted. At the threshold she heard voices, invisible voices, inviting her to come inside. "We are your servants; ready to do whatever you desire."
At this new home, she was waited upon day after day hearing voices yet seeing no one. At last one evening, her dear unseen husband came. He demanded she never light an oil lamp. He could only come at night. He warned her never to try to see him. He later warned her about her two sisters. "They are coming to the hill where you had disappeared. Do not let them come," admonished Cupid. However, Psyche wanted to see someone and she loved her sisters. Psyche allowed Zephyr to carry them back and forth. They were jealous at first, then upon their second visit discovered that Psyche had never seen her husband.
Her sisters reminded Psyche of the oracles reply. "He will turn into a monster and devour you. You must kill him! Light a lamp when you are sure he is asleep and take a knife and kill him."

Psyche knew her husband had been nothing but good to her. So she determined to do one thing; to see him. But as she lit the lamp she saw no monster but a handsome winged man. As she fell on her knees, she dropped hot oil on Cupid who awoke. He rushed out saying, "Love cannot live where there is no trust. I warned you!"
Psyche left journeying she knew not where. She ended up in a temple of Ceres and began straightening. Ceres came and advised Psyche to seek out Venus and offer herself as a humble servant. Venus first laughed but decided to give Psyche various tasks to teach her to be dutiful.

First Psyche had to separate a pile of various seeds, one grain at a time. An army of ants came in and assisted her. Then Psyche had to gather some golden wool from fearful rams. A river god spoke to Psyche telling her to wait until evening when the rams come to drink. As they walk through the thickets some of their golden wool will be caught. Her third task was to go to the source of the river Styx and fill a flash of its water. Psyche climbed a tower; she felt she would have to kill herself to go to the river. As she climbed stones in the tower spoke to her telling her how to get there. Then an eagle flew by picking the flash from her hands and dipping it in the river. Task by task Psyche had help. Venus felt sure this fourth task would be the last. Venus told Psyche, "I have lost some of my beauty tending to my wounded son. Go down to the underworld with this box and ask Persephone for some of her beauty. Bring me the box. Here are two honey cakes for Cerberus and two coins for Charon. Bring me the box."

Psyche did as she was ordered. On her way back to earth, Psyche decided that she too had lost some of her beauty. Venus surely would not miss just a particle. She opened the box and fell beside the palace. In the box was death, the trick of Venus.
Cupid flew by; finding her, he wiped the sleep of death from her eyes and put it back in the box. She was given ambrosia and nectar. She became immortal. Venus was happy now. Psyche would not longer turn men's eyes. They would return to her temples.



7.Narcissus and Echo

Narcissus was a very handsome mortal lad. All the maidens longed to be his, but he would have none of them. He wanted someone as beautiful as he was handsome. Heart broken maidens were nothing to him. Even the saddest case of the fairest nymph, Echo, did not move him. Hera happened to come inquiring where Zeus was, as she suspected him of seeing one of the nymphs. Echo's gay chattering kept Hera diverted from her investigation as all nymphs left. Hera turned against Echo in rage. She condemned her never to use her tongue again except to repeat what was said to her.

"You will never initiate a conversation; you will always have the last word."
As Echo followed Narcissus one day in the woods, he became lost. He looked around and cried out, "Does anyone know the way out of the woods?" Echo softly cried, "The woods!"
"Yes, I'm lost and need to know the way out of the woods."
"The woods!"
"Don't you understand? Help me find the way out of the woods."
"The woods!"

Echo ran to him and threw herself at his feet! Narcissus, confused, picked her up and said, "Oh, you are just like all the other nymphs who try to kiss me and tell me 'I love you.'"

"Love you!"
Her pushed her away, turned and went on his way. Echo prayed for help silently. Nemesis, the goddess of righteous anger, heard Echo's prayer, for prayers to not have to be spoken to be heard and replied, "May he who loves not others love himself."

As Narcissus bent over a pool for a drink, he saw there his own reflection and for a moment thought it was a beautiful nymph, as beautiful as he was handsome, and fill in love with it. He stayed by the pool vowing he would stay there until the nymph came out. Echo was nearby and heard Narcissus' plea, "Won't you ever come out?"
"Come out!"

As Narcissus came close to dying, he faintly cried, "Farewell!"

"Farewell!"
Narcissus became a very handsome flower whose head bends toward the water rather than the sun. The flower, narcissus, is a daffodil, one whose flowers have a short corona and are usually borne separately. The word "narcissism" means egoism, love of oneself.


8.Orpheus and Eurydice
Orpheus was a musician whose songs could charm even the most wild of animals. Many women loved him but he loved only Eurydice. Eurydice was a beautiful maiden who was also loved by many but she and Orpheus loved only each other. On their wedding day, Eurydice was walking in a meadow when a man came and tried to force her to marry him. She ran away from him and accidentally stepped on a poisonous snake, which bit her. The man who had been chasing her ran away when she fell down dead. Orpheus waited and waited for his bride, but she never came.


Finally, he went to look for her and found her body. He was so much in love with her that he vowed to go the underworld if necessary to get her back. He took his lyre and went to the river Styx, where Charon ferried the dead souls across to the land of the dead. Charon refused to ferry Orpheus across at first, but when Orpheus began to play his beautiful music he willingly rowed him to the grim kingdom of the dead. When he got to the gates of the Underworld he still had to get past Cerberus. He started to play another song and charmed Cerberus to sleep. He got past the gates and saw all the people there. He played his beautiful music and charmed even the Furies, who paused in their task of punishing mortals who had lead horrible lives.

Orpheus came at last to the thrones of Persephone and Hades. He asked for Eurydice but they refused, so he began to play and sing again. His music was so wonderful that it brought tears to even Hades' eyes.
"Please Hades, let him have Eurydice," Persephone begged.

Hades agreed and told Orpheus, "You may have your Eurydice, but you must not turn back to look at her until you are both out of the underworld."

Orpheus promised to do so and waited while Eurydice was called. He started to walk to the upperworld, wondering all the while whether Eurydice was really behind him. Finally, when he was almost out of the underworld, he turned around, unable to wait any longer. Eurydice was there after all!
"Orpheus, why did you turn around? If we had been a little farther, I would have been yours again!" she said sadly and disappeared forever.
After this, Orpheus continued to play his music, but he never loved again. One day, he was torn to pieces by the Bacchantes, followers of Dionysus and joined his Eurydice at last in death.




9.Philemon and Baucis
Love stories also belong to the old. Philemon and Baucis were elderly peasants in the country of Phrygia. Their story comes from a wish granted to them by Zeus, the god of hospitality.

One day Zeus grew bored on Mt. Olympus. Hermes was nearby and suggested they venture to earth and test how hospitable the people of Phrygia were, but they must first disguise themselves. As poor, wandering travelers they knocked at each and every house asking for food and a place to rest. But each time they were refused.

At last they came to the poor hut of Philemon and Baucis. The old couple cheerfully greeted them and entertained them with great kindness. During the meal Philemon poured wine from a mixing bowl and noticed it kept filling. Suddenly Philemon realized that their guest were not human. The gods revealed themselves and led the old couple to the top of the hill. When they looked around, they saw the town in the valley had disappeared below a lake. Their neighbors had not been kind, but still the old couple wept for them. Their sadness soon turned to wonder as their humble hut was turned into a stately pillared home with a golden roof.
Zeus said, "I will grant you whatever you wish." The old couple whispered to each other, and then Philemon said, "Oh, mighty Zeus, let us be your priests and serve you in this temple. When it comes time for one of us to die, please let us die together." Zeus agreed as the gods assented to Mt. Olympus.

The old couple served a long time in that great temple not missing their small hut and cozy hearth. One day as they were standing in front of the building, they started talking about about the old days. Suddenly as they talked they saw each other putting forth leaves, and then their skin became tree bark. They embraced each other and cried, "Farewell!" Baucis became a linden tree and Philemon an oak, two beautiful but different trees intertwined. People, in wonder, came from afar to admire and hang wreathes on the branches in their honor.





10.Pygmalion and Galatea
Pygmalion was a confirmed bachelor; there were so many qualities in women that he despised that he could not bear the idea of marriage. He was a sculptor, and had made with wonderful skill a statue of ivory, so beautiful that no living woman came anywhere near it. It was indeed the perfect semblance of a maiden that seemed to be alive, and only prevented from moving by modesty. His art was so perfect that it concealed itself and its product looked like the workmanship of nature. Pygmalion admired his own work, and at last fell in love with the counterfeit creation. Oftentimes he laid his hand upon it as if to assure himself whether it were living or not, and could not even then believe that it was only ivory. He caressed it, and gave it presents such as young girls love, - bright shells and polished stones, little birds and flowers of various hues, beads and amber. He put raiment on its limbs, and jewels on its fingers, and a necklace about its neck. To the ears he hung earrings, and strings of pearls upon the breast. Her dress became her, and she looked not less charming than when unattired. He laid her on a couch spread with cloths of Tyrian dye, and called her his wife, and put her head upon a pillow of the softest feathers, as if she could enjoy their softness.


The festival of Venus (Aphrodite) was at hand - a festival celebrated with great pomp at Cyprus. Victims were offered, the altars smoked, and the odour of incense filled the air. When Pygmalion had performed his part in the solemnities, he stood before the altar and timidly said, "Ye gods, who can do all things, give me, I pray you, for my wife" - he dared not say "my ivory virgin," but said instead - "one like my ivory virgin." Venus (Aphrodite), who was present at the festival, heard him and knew the thought he would have uttered; and as an omen of her favour, caused the flame on the altar to shoot up thrice in a fiery point into the air. When he returned home, he went to see his statue, and leaning over the couch, gave a kiss to the mouth. It seemed to be warm. He pressed its lips again, he laid his hand upon the limbs; the ivory felt soft to his touch and yielded to his fingers like the wax of Hymettus. While he stands astonished and glad, though doubting, and fears he may be mistaken, again and again with a lover's ardour he touches the object of his hopes. It was indeed alive! The veins when pressed yielded to the finger and again resumed their roundness. Then at last the votary of Venus found words to thank the goddess, and pressed his lips upon lips as real as his own. The virgin, named Galatea, felt the kisses and blushed, and opening her timid eyes to the light, fixed them at the same moment on her lover. Venus blessed the nuptials she had formed, and from this union Paphos was born, from whom the city, sacred to Venus, received its name.




11.Pyramus and Thisbe

Pyramus and Thisbe grew up in adjoining houses in Babylon. They fell in love but their parents would not allow them to marry one another. After many nights of whispering through a crack in the garden wall, they determined to slip away together in freedom. They agreed to meet at a well-known place, the Tomb of Ninus, under a tall mulberry tree full of white berries, near a cool spring. Thisbe arrived first, but was frightened away by a lioness, which mauled with its bloody jaws the cloak that Thisbe had dropped. That is what Pyramus saw when he appeared a few minutes later. He concluded that Thisbe was dead and that he was responsible. He lifted up the cloak, kissed it, and carried it to the mulberry tree. He drew his sword and plunged it into his side. His blood changed the blooms and fruit of the tree from white to purple.


Thisbe returned, wishing that the lioness was gone and longing to see Pyramus. Discovering Pyramus' body, she kissed him, begging him to look at her. At the sound of her voice he opened his heavy eyes then died. She found his sword and her cloak. She killed herself with the same sword. The ashes of the unfortunate pair were placed in the same urn. Mulberry trees continue to produce deep red fruit, a memorial of the two lovers.

How To Recover From Prince Harming??




Well,I found it a very interesting articles on Oprah website. (gosh..my fav inspiring person…)


Like to share it with all of reader..
We all know you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. But what do you do when you discover that your supposed Prince Charming is actually a Prince Harming? Karen Salmansohn knows all too well.

I can empathize fully with Sandra Bullock’s pain right now—been there, fallen for him. Unfortunately, I found myself very much duped by a man who convincingly presented himself as loving, committed and loyal, only to later to discover that he was more than a two-timing cheater—he was a three-’n-four-’n-five-timing cheater.

I know just how difficult it can be to pick yourself up after a painful romantic fall.

At first, you might find yourself preoccupied with a bubbling stew of emotions: depression, shame, hopelessness, outrage, despair, rage, resentment, negativity, doubt, insecurity, fear and an overall sense of emotional hypochondria. You may become convinced that the best way to protect your breaking heart is to put on the permanent love brakes. It’s very important not to allow yourself to wallow in these negative emotions for too long.
I believe you can never fail in life or love. You just produce results. It’s up to you how you interpret those results. There are no failed relationships, because every person in your life has a life lesson to teach.
Ironically, life’s worst of times (aka breakups) can be exactly what leads you to your best of times—pain is your evolutionary buddy. Pain prompts you to wake up from your auto-pilot slumbers—and CLUNK—finally be more alert to seeing who are the best people and which are the best circumstances to aim at for ultimate joy.
How can the worst of times turn into the best of times?
Sometimes, a breakup leads to a breakdown and then a breakthrough—helping you to discover who and what you need to live your happiest, most fulfilling life!

I believe much of the pain of a breakup comes from having a life plan that you have fallen in love with. When it does not work out, you become angry that you now have to pursue a new life plan. But if you ever want to tame your inner demons, you must consciously choose not to become too attached to any particular life plan—and remain open to the idea that there might be an even better life plan for you. Embracing detachment as a way of life will always give you a healthier sense of peacefulness when you get plunked into one of life’s potholes!

My personal definition for enlightenment is “the quiet acceptance of what is—and an open mind to embrace that there may be a better, healthier life plan for me.”
After my breakup with my Prince Harming, I consciously chose to psyche myself up about my new life plan by owning the following as my empowering belief system: “I’m happy to be over this relationship with my now ex-Prince Harming because I know the lessons I’m choosing to learn are going to lead me into the arms of a much better life partner! My new, improved life plan is gonna beat the bupkes out of that old one!”
The questions to ask when getting over heartbreak…:
The good news: It’s always your choice as to how you interpret and respond to life’s disappointing, heartbreaking ebbs. You can choose to be miserable, or you can choose to motivate yourself to stretch your mind—seeking out the best interpretations and most valuable lessons.
If you’re presently trying to get over a painful breakup with a Prince Harming, I recommend you do some liberating mind stretching. Begin by answering the following questions for yourself:

* Thanks to my Prince Harming Teacher, I learned in my next relationship I need to find a man who offers:

* Thanks to my Prince Harming Teacher, I learned in my next relationship I need to—on a daily and nightly basis—feel more:

* Thanks to my Prince Harming Teacher, I learned in my next relationship I need to—on a daily and nightly basis—feel less:

* Thanks to my Prince Harming Teacher, I learned in my next relationship I will insist my man bring with him into the relationship the following deal-makers:

* Thanks to my Prince Harming Teacher, I learned to keep my eyes open for the following red flashing warning light deal-breakers blaring in my face:

* Thanks to my Prince Harming Teacher, I learned I need to start to especially value finding a man with the following values:

After a challenging breakup, I suggest that every time you find yourself tempted to think negative thoughts, you return to the lessons that you’ve thankfully learned.
If you find yourself with a pesky, self-flagellating thought spree rampaging through your mind, you can stop these thoughts by asking yourself the following question: “Are these thoughts I am now thinking leading me forward to finding more happiness—or backward to feeling more anger, shame and hopelessness?

What to say to yourself to move forward??

Every time a negative belief enters your head, repeat the word “forward” as your mantra! Every time you start feeling negative emotions, swap these out for new and very different emotions—one which doesn’t show up on the “Post-Break Up Emotions to Indulge In” list.
And be proud of yourself. Yes, proud. If you’ve gotten hurt, it means you’ve put yourself out there in the world. You have jumped into the pool of life—swimming, splashing and making waves—instead of hiding beneath the solitary life’s big umbrella, wearing a huge floppy hat and oversize sunglasses with your body smeared in SPF 45.
One of my favorite philosophers, Aristotle, said: “We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.”

I think what he means is that life will have its ebbs and flows. Unfortunately, life can sometimes feel like ebb, ebb, ebb, brief flash of flow, more ebb, ebb, ebb. But every ebb always offers the opportunity to think a new thought flavor and feel a new emotion flavor. The more varied the flavors of life you get to taste, the more interesting, layered, educated, self-developed, worldly, experienced and mightier as a human you will be!
Here’s one last and highly helpful post-breakup healing mantra: “It is better to have loved and lost—and discover a far more fabulous life plan than originally conceived—than to live with a cheating Prince Harming for the rest of your life.”




Love Myths:
“Everybody has one soul mate.” “True lovers can read each other’s minds.” “All you need is love.” A psychotherapist who’s seen it all pokes holes in some of romance’s little fairy tales and explains why life is saner—and happier—without them.
If we could each pick a few songs to banish from our heads, Diana de Vegh would nominate all those soggy old refrains that say there’s one—and only one—true love for each of us: our better half, our shining knight, the person we’ll be lost without. That line of thought, says de Vegh, a therapist in private practice in New York, isn’t benignly corny—it’s harmful, feeding what she calls the myth of love scarcity.

“In the scarcity model, where there’s only one person out there, we’re all competing for the guy who’s rich and handsome,” she says. Our relationships become fear based: We obsess and clutch instead of creating an environment in which two people try to unfold.
De Vegh, a casually elegant woman with penetrating blue eyes, meets with clients in her Greenwich Village office, where richly textured wall hangings, a deep purple sofa, and a fireplace give evidence of a delight in color and comfort as well as an assured originality.

Her strong sense of self was hard-won: The reason she has thought so much about how we can separate romantic passion from the misconceptions that often surround it is that she’s seen for herself how damaging they are. As a very young woman, de Vegh was swept into an affair with then president John F. Kennedy—perhaps the ultimate fairy-tale prince. Her own experiences, and those of so many of the women she has counseled over the past 15 years, have sharpened her insights into the ways fantasy romance, rather than completing us, undoes us.

Love is the ideological bone women have been thrown,” she says, meaning that in our society, men often get the real power while women are fed the false promises of “magic candy” romance—that someone special will shower us with attention, give us our identity, read our mind, and intuit our needs.

“Mind reading,” she says, “is useful between a mother and an infant but not in a sexual relationship between adults.” When you want someone who can anticipate your thoughts and desires, you’re really looking for an idealized parent—usually a combination of Mommy and Daddy wrapped into one. “For years, I was looking for men who would think I was charming and make me feel safe—like Daddy’s best girl,” she says. The craving for that kind of attention is rampant.

“I see women all the time who say they’re looking for romantic relationships, but I believe they’re really looking to be parented. We all want to feel special and dear, with our foibles bathed in the loving glow of a doting father,” she says. “At the same time that we want Daddy’s strong arms, we also want a mother’s sweetness and tenderness.” And when the romance goes south, she says, you end up feeling like a child who’s been abandoned and is lost.

“We all naturally fall in love with a handsome, married man—our fathers,” she says. “They bring us out into the world. And if we’re secure, we grow up to want something more interesting than parent-child love; we want an adult partnership.”

But the precondition for that, she says, is a good relationship with ourselves.

It’s when you view yourself as powerless, with your worth dependent on how someone else treats you, that love gets corrupted, de Vegh says. “Letting men determine who we are is the negative hinge that turns desire into vulnerability, changes our bodies from sites of pleasure to sites of betrayal, and transforms solitude into loneliness.

I think that when people say they’re lonely, what they’re really saying is that they don’t like their own company. And something should be done about that, because if you don’t like your own company, then you’re the victim of whoever passes by.”

How to develop healthy relationships…starting with the “salad theory”

De Vegh suggests we create abundant lives for ourselves, and subscribes to what she calls the salad theory. “Just as a salad needs some lettuce, a little tomato, cucumber, this and that, a full life involves friends, work, arts, and community. When I ask clients, ‘What do you believe you can only get from him?’ they say, ‘He’s so interested, he listens to me, he thinks I’m special, we do things together.’ We can do things with zillions of people. Why is it that only he can get you doing things?

“There’s no scarcity of love,” she says. “We can find it with our coworkers, with our friends and families, in our dance class. We can love what the world offers us; we can love our own vitality. And without question, there can be passionate love between a man and a woman, where you open your heart and soul and you can be yourself—your 7-year-old self, your 30-year-old self, your 60-year-old self. And he can say, ‘I get you, and here I am. Sometimes I act like a spoiled brat, and sometimes I’m a straight-up guy.’” But the relationship has to be an “emotional peership” between partners who are already working toward becoming fuller and fuller individuals.

Such a union requires both heart and mind, which is why de Vegh is wary of unexamined attraction. “Often what we call chemistry is a mix of familiarity and anxiety, and it can be an excuse for not having to think,” she says. “Feelings are great, but we also have brains so we can decide what to do with those feelings. Now when someone comes into my office and says, ‘Oh, we looked at each other, and I so knew this man,’ I think that maybe what she recognized was, for instance, the withholding narcissism of her father. If we really had such good parents that we felt filled up with self-respect and the ability to engage in the world, we wouldn’t be waiting to be bowled over by chemistry. We’d be saying, ‘Oh, you look like a good and interesting person. Here’s what I think about the world; what do you think?’ We wouldn’t be looking to get our needs met. Adults meet their own needs.”

Having seen so many women devastated by the end of an affair—”They feel they’ve failed, and that the halo they were given is gone”—de Vegh is adamant that we not label ourselves as losers in love. “At the church I used to go to, they always said faith enters through a wound. I think wisdom comes through our wounds, that our wounds have to turn into our blessings,” she says. “They make us soft and aware so we can say, ‘Oh, yes, I learned that.’
If it turns out that you and your partner have a different view of reality, that’s good to know. You can honor that, and find someone who shares your view. If you’re losing yourself in a relationship and he has all the power, it’s important to take the self-respecting action of leaving and learning from the experience.”

The best thing that can happen after a breakup is that you declare, I give up any hope of ever being parented the way I wish I’d been when I was a child. “You might have to grieve for that loss,” she says. “And there will be moments in a healthy partnership when you can say, ‘I’m brain-dead and hysterical. Draw me a bath and put in some rubber duckies.’” But that’s temporary. We have to give up the longing to be the child in the relationship, she says.

The good news is that once we do, we’re free to find love that’s genuinely pleasure based.

“We each have a potential song in us,” de Vegh says—one that can find its unique expression after we drop the sour chord of scarcity, dependency, and fear.





What I Know For Sure..From Oprah point of view:

Too many people believe marriage is about flowers, candy and rose petals in the bathtub. Women want the big day they’ve been dreaming of since they were girls—the princess dress and ring, the perfect cake, the handsome beau, the fairy-tale Camelot.

What I know for sure is that if you’re looking for your happily-ever-after in the arms and eyes of another person, you will always be disappointed. Even in the most mature spiritual partnership, a mate is only there to give you back to yourself. In the end, you’re the only person who can satisfy the deepest craving that every one of us shares: the need to feel significant.

If you don’t already know you have significance, the process of discovering that is the very work you were put on this earth to do—whether you’ve been married for 15 years or single your entire life. As our columnist Martha Beck notes, nothing a partner can say, do, or give you will completely assure you of your value if you aren’t sure of it yourself.

Married or single, if you’re looking for a sense of completion, I encourage you to look inward. For every one of those moments when you find yourself desperate to join up with someone who doesn’t respect or value who you are, remind yourself that man’s rejection is often God’s protection—and then say “thank you” and keep steppin’. If all that you’re longing for is a wedding, and you know you’re not ready for the work involved in a lifelong commitment, save yourself a lot of money and anguish: throw yourself a fabulous party.



Heartbreak Academy by Martha Beck:

It’s a heartache / Nothing but a… Oh, be quiet, we know already. But do you know what you can learn from your dashed romances? Martha Beck offers up a three-part tutorial.
In her illuminating writing manual, Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott recounts the story of a woman who goes to the zoo and sees a male gorilla sleeping against the bars of his cage. The woman is so entranced by this magnificent beast that she reaches out to touch him, whereupon the gorilla wakes up, grabs her arm, and mauls her half to death before zookeepers can intervene.

Days later the woman is still in the intensive care unit when a friend comes to visit. “God, you look like you’re in a lot of pain,” says the friend sympathetically. “Pain,” says the injured woman, “you don’t know pain. He doesn’t call, he doesn’t write….”
Ah, yes, the exquisite agony of heartbreak. We who have experienced it know that romantic love is a fall-in, crawl-out proposition: When you’re bonding with that special someone, everything is wondrously effortless; when the relationship hits the skids, getting through an ordinary day feels like climbing Everest without supplemental oxygen. But every instance of heartbreak can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want.
Mind you, just having your heart broken won’t get you a degree in love-ology. If you learn nothing from heartbreak, you’ll keep repeating the same old painful subject matter in one bad relationship after another. If you refuse to love at all, you will guarantee isolation and pain, rather than preventing them. The only way to graduate from Heartbreak Academy is to really master the material, and that means absorbing crucial lessons about your true self, your true needs, and the nature of true love.
Course offerings from the Heartbreak Academy of Emotional Pain

There are many ways to get your heart broken, all of them highly educational. Breakup 101 will teach you all about the discouragement and guilt that set in when you end a relationship that just isn’t working. In Situational Heartbreak 165, you’ll learn about the pain that occurs when you and your loved one are separated by circumstances such as geographic distance or (God forbid) death. Then there’s Advanced Conflict 206, a combat-training course you enter when you and your significant other become locked in a war of wills. Most unpleasant of all, in my opinion, is Unilateral Torture 262. This class starts when you’re deeply in love, investing full trust and openness in a relationship, and suddenly your partner calls the whole thing off or simply stops calling at all. It’s like getting hit by a truck, only way slower and more humiliating.


Study guide: How to make it through Heartbreak Academy:

I was in my first semester of Unilateral Torture 262, a class I’d taken three or four times already, when I stumbled across a concept in a psychology textbook that finally allowed me to learn my lesson and move on. I don’t remember anything else about that book, but I recall one crucial sentence perfectly. “Some patients,” it said, “mistakenly believe that their loneliness is a product of another person’s absence.”

I stopped and reread this maybe ten times, but it still baffled me. I could have sworn that my loneliness was a product of my ex–significant other’s absence. If not, then what on earth was it?

Finally, slowly, over the next several days, weeks, years, the light dawned: My loneliness, and the antidote to it, did not come from the significant others I’d loved and lost. I’d been emotionally isolated before I ever fell in love. Something about certain people helped me lower the drawbridge over the moat that separated me from the world, but in the final analysis I was the one who’d actually done the trick. The power to bring me out of solitude—or to push me back into it—had never belonged to any other person. It was mine and only mine.

This realization is the most important thing you need to get through Heartbreak Academy with minimum effort and maximum positive effect. Realizing that your heartbreak is not a product of the other person’s absence brings the pain into an arena where you can work with it, instead of riveting your attention on some missing lover you may never see again and could never really control. Each time you find yourself longing for the love that was, asking yourself the following study-guide questions will help you learn the lessons of heartbreak and move on to a relationship that works.

Study question #1: How old do I feel?
Most often, heartbroken people are unknowingly grieving a loss or trauma rooted in childhood or adolescence. That’s because we tend to fall in love with people who remind us of those who cared for us—even badly—when we were young and totally vulnerable. We become childlike when we feel securely adored, letting go of all inhibition. The failure of adult relationships is often caused by the dysfunctions we internalized as children, and the devastation we endure when we’re rejected almost always opens ancient wounds, making us feel as bereft as an abandoned little kid.

If you ask yourself how old you feel when you’re in the worst throes of heartbreak, you’ll probably find that a surprisingly low number pops into your head. Whatever the age of your grieving inner child, it’s your job to comfort her, as you would help a toddler or a teen who had lost a parent. Do small, practical, caring things for yourself: Listen to a song that helps you grieve, schedule a play date with your best friend, wrap a soft blanket around yourself and let the tears come.

Most important of all, give your childish self the chance to talk. Open your journal or visit your therapist, and let yourself express your anger and anguish in all its irrational, immature glory.

As you do this, you will almost certainly find yourself grieving losses you suffered way back when, as well as the one you’ve just endured.

This is good: It means that you are finally progressing beyond ways of thinking and acting that didn’t work for you early in your life and still aren’t working today. Acknowledging and comforting that younger self is absolutely essential to easing your pain, recovering from your wounds, and finding new sources of healthy love.

Study Question #2: What did my lost love help me believe about myself?
Look back on the time when you were falling in love, and you’ll realize that though much (or some) of your time with your lover was fabulous, the relationship made you happy even when the two of you were physically apart.

The really potent part of love is that it allows you to carry around beliefs about yourself that make you feel special, desirable, precious, innately good. To graduate from Heartbreak Academy, you have to learn that neither your ex-beloved nor the fact of being in love invested you with these qualities. Your lover couldn’t have seen them in you, even temporarily, if they weren’t part of your essential being.
Make a list of all the things you let yourself believe when you saw yourself mirrored in loving eyes. Write them as facts: I’m fascinating. I’m beautiful. I’m funny. I’m important. Realize that you chose to believe these things in the context of your relationship, and now that the relationship is over, you have another choice: either to reject a loving view of yourself or to believe the truth.
But, you may say, what if these positive things aren’t really true at all? What if the truth is that I’m hopelessly unlovable? Well, let me remind you that when you believe you’re an insignificant bird dropping on the sooty gray pavement of life, you feel unspeakably horrible. On the other hand, when you opt for believing what love once taught you about yourself, the core of your despair is replaced by sweetness, however bitter your subsequent loss. I say, use what works. Self-concept is a self-fulfilling prophecy:
When we let ourselves believe that we’re wonderfully attractive, we act wonderfully attractive. By letting yourself believe the most loving things your ex ever said about you, you can get rid of the bathwater but keep the baby, honoring and preserving what was precious in your relationship, while letting go of the pain.

Study question #3: What did my relationship give me permission to do?
Being in love is so intoxicating, that special person so compelling, that lovers often drop some of the obligations and rules that dominated their lives before they met. When you’re in love, you may forget that you don’t usually allow yourself to splurge on perfume, or write poetry, or be wildly sexual, or say no to invitations you’d rather not accept. When your relationship is over, the bleak prospect of going back to the rules can drive you to the brink of despair, making you pine obsessively for your lost love to return and free you again. Eliminate the middleman. Free yourself.

You can start by making another list. This time write down all the forbidden things you allowed yourself to do when you were madly in love with someone who was madly in love with you. Now give yourself permission to do all those things anyway.
Nothing can make your trip through Heartbreak Academy easy or painless. Grieving will always hurt, but it is not mindless torture. It’s more like panning for gold. Recurrent floods of sadness and anger gradually wash away the rubble of the defunct relationship, leaving only the bits of treasure: the remembered moments of real communion, a new understanding of your own mistakes, a clear picture of the dysfunctions you will never tolerate again.

Letting these precious things emerge naturally means that you will retain the real love you’ve received, even as you let go of your former lover. And realizing that you hold the keys to your own healing will keep sadness from becoming despair and help you master the lessons a broken heart can teach. It means the relationships you create after that will be more trustworthy, the unavoidable losses less devastating.

“The world breaks everyone,” Hemingway once wrote, “and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” A broken heart is simply a heart that has a chance to become stronger. It’s a heart that is more self-sufficient, more open to the truth, and more capable of lasting love.



*Martha Beck is the author of Finding Your Own North Star (Three Rivers) and Expecting Adam (Berkley).

Insanity


Ouch..OMG!!! I am suffering from temporary insanity..maybe in critical condition now..Where is my doc??Help!! please diognose me…My mind is somewhere else..my heart is nowhere,my soul is sold and i am nowhere man..nowhere else to run…grrr..help me please..

=Love grows where trust is laid, and love dies where trust is betrayed=
* You have to learn when to give up, when to walk away, Even if it hurts…especially if it hurts.*
=”Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.”=

How to describe an insanity (love insanity is the worst -heartbroken))?
1)you keep thinking of him all the times
2)you can’ move on,something missing from your heart
3)when you close your eyes,he is the one you thinkin of,when you wake up,there’s was only his name in your head
4)You always remember all of the memory with him even the details one that you don’t bother before
5)You want to cry,you losing your heart and feeling down
6)You want him back,and you keep telling yourself that he’s your true love(that’s not exactly true in future)
7)You want to die,you want to leave all the world behind you..you want to kill all the people around you

But then….that was so true like they say -time will heal..

Don’t worry.Seriously.It will recover in a few weeks to come..how to heal a broken heart,it can be done.Coz in everyone of us,there’s a dept feeling to live and whatsoever it is,our faith as a Muslim would never allowed us to across the grief limit.Allah would never gave you an extremely test that you could never dealth with.And por favor..never ever underestimate your inner strenght.

”.Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu,dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu padahal ia amat buruk bagimu:Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui..”"- Al-baqarah:216
Believe me,none better than you who can heal your brokenheart.

During my grief,I read a lots of book-my favourite is La TAhzan (jgn bersedih)..ita really touch my heart and my soul.What we have is actaully far far better than others.
Second book I read during my shut down period is-Stephen R. Covey,7 habits of highly effective people.I found it interesting,motivated and reasonable.I’m also found it very useful-a tragic story to come with a logic pathway to go through.Begin with end mind,proactive,seek to understood,put thing first,synergizer,think win win and sharpen you saw.Ahh..finally..I can get over it,just a week my dear…so,salute to yourself and proud of your inner strenght.Sometimes thing are more than their appear to be.So do I.I thought i’m going to die with this fragile feeling,I can’t live without you or whatsoever.’I'm brain-dead and hysterical. Draw me a bath and put in some rubber duckies.’” But that’s temporary.

The best thing that can happen after a breakup is that you declare, I give up any hope.
But..then….
And..after a gallon of tears..you will wake up.You mind will tell you something.What you want from your life?Is this a life you asking for?Is this griefing and sadness life will lead you anywhere?

All of us have our own guts and instinct.My instict told me to move on,he’s not worth for your love-a grudge of his towards me would end with this issue…my god,thanks coz i had build a wall inside my heart and its still gave me a protection from a massive heart broken….

I am sensible person,and i have a lot of things to worried for..so jiwang2 is better moved immeaditely…
My next goal is to go to Europe..its my dream since my childhood and teenage years.In my teenage years,i will wrote a short story about the four season scenery,the love story in Europe.. and the character lots more to mat saleh style la..Why did I love Europe so much?

I love the scenery,the green grass that seem never endless upon the hill with the blue sky,the spring with the marking beginning of blossom of a flower and the new leaf,the summer breeze feeling (ceh..mcm dh penah g dh) and the lonely autumn season.What I love about autumn is-its make me feel so sad yet so peace..so lonely yet so serenede..and my dream is to sit among all the yellow willow leaf..the tree,falling upon me.. and feel the air…What’s influent me to be be there??What’s make me so eager to strive my dream to go there?Maybe in my teenage years and my childhood years,I always watch a Western movies,impress by the really something in the movies background and read so many books esp regarding to the romance and geoghraphy which created an imagination in my mind.I love the feeling of travelling alone,with a new place to step my feet to,a new air to breath and a new sightseeing to stimulate my eyes.Nanti dh sampai sana,aku tetap jgk nk golek-golek kt pdg rumpt tu,tak kiralah org kata gila ke apa..nk lompat-lompat kt salji dgn nk tido bawah pokok maple tu menghayati keindahan alam..pehhhh…wat mcm citer hindi..hehe..tp hero jer takder…
My dream place would be in Switzerland,Holland,UK and France.
I will make it come true before my 40th years..(why its take me soo long?coz I have a lot of commitment to my kds and my life) and i’m not a rich mummy..hua hua…so if any reader have any vacancy or business in Europe,plz take me with you..giving me an opportunity to be there is my bless and FYI,i can cook for you.I am a good cook and a good employee.Maybe I want to be there for one or two years,just want to striving my goal living in the place I’m always dream of.
But we need a at least one goal in our life.No matter how hard to achive it,how dare to make it come true,we need somthing to love,something to do and something to hope for.That’s keep you alive and should be a purpose in your life.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it open
up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up." ~Neil Gaiman
=”Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.”=

Feeling Means You're Dealing And Healing-Oprah Relation Tips

When life brings pain your way, it’s important to know that it might actually be just the thing you need to move forward. Karen Salmansohn explains how to bounce back from any heart-wrenching situation.
If you could live 10 years of your life in total bliss—with no pain whatsoever—but not remember any of it in the end, would you do it? According to Aristotle, the answer should be no!
My favorite philosopher buddy Aristotle says true happiness comes from gaining insight and growing into your best possible self. Otherwise, all you’re having is immediate gratification pleasure, which is fleeting and doesn’t help you grow as a person.

In a way, the above scenario is a description of you if you did drugs or drank martinis into oblivion. At the time, it’d feel like you’re seeking bliss and getting to avoid pain. But in the long-term, you’d be in flight from reality mode and not enjoying real life, with its inevitable ebbs and flows, all of which give you needed insights and exciting experiences that enable you to live your highest potential life!
Aristotle had a wonderful quote related to this topic: “We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.”
Translation: Life has ebbs and flows. There’s no such thing as endless flow.
Unfortunately, life can sometimes feel like ebb, ebb, ebb, brief flash of flow, more ebb, ebb, ebb. Every ebb offers the opportunity for new flavors—a new thought or a new emotion. The more varied the flavors of your life, the more interesting, layered, educated, self-developed, world-experienced and mightier you will be!

In keeping with this theme, Aristotle believed the highest form of knowledge is insight because it’s the only knowledge that leads to growth. And, once again, Aristotle emphatically believed that evolving into your highest potential is what leads to true happiness.

For this reason, Aristotle said the reason so many people are unhappy is that they keep foolishly confusing pleasure for happiness. Pleasure is simply about immediate, fleeting gratification of your body/ego. Happiness is about seeking long-term growth for yourself as a thriving individual and nourishing your soul/core self for the long haul of a happily ever after life!
Basically, pain is your evolutionary buddy—serving as a life wake-up call and motivating you to evolve into your highest potential self.
Understandably, when you’re going through a personal tragedy or challenge of any kind, you might not feel this way. Indeed, there’s a strong chance your first instinct during tough times is to head straight into “flight from reality mode”—not wanting to allow yourself to feel the pain you need to feel for growth to occur.
In The Bounce Back Book, I explain how there are many ways to seek this “flight from reality.” For example, you can busy yourself with an addiction to food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, gambling, sleeping pills, etc. Or you can simply hide your feelings in numbness, isolation or denial. Whatever your flight mode plan, it’s essential that at some point you return to reality so you can feel your truthful pain, which will lead you to that blessed gain of growth.
In other words: It’s only after you allow yourself to become honestly aware of what you’re feeling that it means you’re truly dealing—and thereby truly healing.

Why pain is your evolutionary buddy ??

Indeed, pain is actually your evolutionary buddy, serving as your life wake-up call and motivating you to evolve into your highest potential self.
And it’s not just me and my philosopher buddy Aristotle who believe this; infinite psychologists around the world do too. New York City’s Sharon Wolf puts forth that there is a core pain that we all must be ready to feel during really bad times so as to fully recover from them. As Sharon says: “If you want to heal rightly from a crisis, be ready to tolerate more pain than you thought you could ever feel.” Thankfully, Sharon simultaneously promises that if you learn to sit with, feel and tolerate this core pain, it will get smaller and smaller until it eventually disappears.

Admittedly, it’s human nature to avoid this “core pain” at the onset of a personal tragedy. Indeed, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross famously outlined the five stages of grief as follows:

Stage 1: Denial and Isolation
“This is not happening to me.”

Stage 2: Anger
“How dare this happen to me.”

Stage 3: Bargaining
“Just let me get X and I won’t care about Y,” or “If this doesn’t happen, I promise to…”

Stage 4: Depression
“I can’t bear to face going through this.”

Stage 5: Acceptance
“I’m ready. I don’t want to struggle anymore.”

The fabulous author Joan Didion, in her memoir The Year of Magical Thinking, confesses to all the many and varied ways she chose to avoid feeling the initial “core pain” of her husband’s sudden death. Joan shares that at first she took on a business-like focus, directing her mind to only think about who she needed to call, what she needed to do, what the hospital needed from her (getting copies of medical summaries, patiently standing in line to fill out forms, etc.). What appeared to those around her to be a preternatural calm (“She’s a pretty cool customer,” Joan overheard a hospital social worker say) was in fact a state of total numbness and denial. Unable to face the reality of her husband’s death, Joan found herself engaging in what she calls magical thinking, a conjuring of a world in which her husband might reappear. Joan even admits that in her determined attempt to avoid pain, she never read her husband’s obituary—telling herself that reading it would be a form of betrayal. Joan also describes how at first she kept her husband’s shoes, telling herself he would need them when he came back.

Eventually, however, Joan discovered what we all need to discover: When it comes to emotional pain, you can run—but you can’t hide! During dark times, we all need to face and feel the harsh light of glaring truth. Or, as I said earlier in this article, as well to my coaching clients on many occasions and, heck, even to myself: “Feeling means you’re dealing and healing!”

Get the 4 Bounce Back tips:
If you’re presently overly avoiding your pain and grief, I recommend you consider these four empowering tips to help you rise back up—even higher than where you were in the first place!

4 Bounce Back Tips:

1. Whenever you find yourself seeking an addiction in an attempt to run from pain, keep in mind these wonderful words from author Satish Kumar: “Sister, pain is part of life. By accepting it, its intensity is reduced. Do not resist it. Resistance to pain brings tension and anxiety, anxiety leads to fear. Fear of pain is worse than pain itself. This pain will pass.”
Translation: It’s always your choice. You can either (a) Sit with the pain now, or (b) Avoid the pain now and potentially feel even greater pain later, thereby delaying the healing and its incumbent path to self-growth.

2. Once you allow the pain to come, become aware of where in your body this pain is landing: throat, heart, stomach, back, head. Feel it in this body part, then breathe it out of this body part. If possible, give yourself specific times to grieve and breathe.

3. Keep a journal. Track your healing process through the five stages (you may skip some stages and also regress or cycle back), but a journal will show you that progress is being made. And, remember, after you pass through stage 4, that final stage of acceptance is right around the corner. Whew!




4. Recognize that you are an unfinished self in progress. Like so many of life’s challenges, experiencing and overcoming pain can reveal emotional depths and perspectives you didn’t know you were capable of. Refocus on the excitement of all the new changes in your personal being and your life journey ahead. Motivate yourself to stretch your mind—and always seek to find the most healthful interpretations and most positive lessons to be found in all your life challenges!

=Karen Salmansohn is a best-selling author known for creating self-help for people who wouldn’t be caught dead reading self-help. Get more information on finding a loving, happier-ever-after relationship in her book Prince Harming Syndrome.=


If You can't forgive,you can't dance


Think of a person who’s wronged you—maybe it’s even yourself. The mere mention of the person’s name makes your skin crawl and your stomach churn. Holding all of this anger inside of you doesn’t just keep you living in the past—it keeps you from experiencing true happiness now. Ed and Deb Shapiro show you how to let go of the pain and start living again.
We were teaching a forgiveness workshop when John, one of the participants, told us his brother had continually abused and even molested him as a child. He said quite emphatically that he would never forgive him. After John had spoken, there were a few minutes of shocked silence, and then another participant gently said, “If you can’t forgive, then you can’t dance, you can’t sing and you can’t smile.”

Those few words exactly describe the emotional blocking that takes place when there is no forgiveness. Your ability to dance—to move emotionally, to give, to love, to feel alive and free—gets stuck. All the pain, grief and hurt get held in this immovable place. You cannot move forward when a part of you is locked in the past.
The evidence of a lack of forgiveness is all around you: broken families, self-hate, guilt and shame leading to depression, huge amounts of anger, bitterness and closed-heartedness. You learn to live by ignoring this dark place without realizing how deeply limiting it is, how it holds back your joy and laughter. You point the finger and see the other person as the cause of the suffering, but you don’t see how—by holding onto hurt feelings—you’re simply creating more grief for yourself.
Deb used to work with the elderly. As she recalls: “I worked in a nursing home where I saw numerous residents clinging to incidents from the past: words said in anger, distorted memories of how they had been wronged by children who had disagreed with them and left in anger. So much bitterness. They could not let go—even now, so near to dying. Over the years, the hurt and anger had become solid, fixed and immovable, as if they were surrounded by prison bars.”
How many times have you rerun the tape, gone over the details of who said what to whom, of how it all happened, of the injustice and blame or the guilt and shame? How many times have you done this—and did it ever help you feel healed, more joyful or happier? How often do you have to repeat this before you see that all of it is going nowhere other than prolonging your unhappiness?
We are not trying to be simplistic. From a rational point of view, it can seem impossible to forgive: You are hurt and want revenge and it is the other person’s fault—so why should you forgive? But if you want to reach closure, then you have to confront this desire to hold onto the story, because it simply causes further suffering. You are the one feeling the pain, and the longer you hold on, the more suffering you cause yourself.

To forgive includes fully acknowledging your feelings: how angry, upset, betrayed, bitter or indignant you are; how unfair life is; how let down and sad you feel…and that it’s absolutely okay to be this way. You know and feel the pain, but the desire to no longer continue the suffering is stronger; you care enough about yourself to not want to carry the anger or sadness any longer.
If you don’t forgive, it’s like carrying heavy baggage that weighs you down so you can’t go forward, but you can’t go without it, because it contains your history, your identity. Or it is like holding onto hot coals, but you’re the one getting burned. Letting go of the past—of the story and the details—enables you to open to the present, to who you are now. You don’t need to live in the drama, to keep the story alive, to maintain suffering. You can come back to sanity and goodness and bring that sanity into your life.

As Gangaji says in our book, Be The Change: “We have all experienced being hurt by someone, such as our parents, lover, or friend. But it is not about denying the hurt; it’s actually about opening and meeting the hurt, and then the hurt itself becomes a deepening of our heart. In that moment, it is natural for forgiveness to occur.”
Sitting in meditation, you can come to forgiveness and bring yourself compassion, making friends with who you are, knowing you can’t change the past, but you can change your attitude toward it. As you do this, a remarkable thing begins to happen: the boundaries that normally keep you isolated from intimacy, boundaries that have been maintained over the years to protect you from being hurt, begin to come down, like old walls crumbling and falling.
In this way, forgiveness is truly revolutionary. It releases the pain of the past so you are free to live in the present. It changes fear and hate into love and acceptance, just as an oyster uses the irritation from a grain of sand to produce the beauty of a pearl. It enables you to live with kindness and care.

Forgiveness Meditation
You can develop forgiveness for yourself or another. You may want to meditate on just one of these areas when you do this practice. Find a comfortable place to sit and settle your attention on your breathing.

* Focus on memories, feelings or issues you have not forgiven yourself for. Simply observe—without attachment. Hold yourself with care and tenderness, inviting forgiveness. Silently keep repeating: “I forgive myself, for my words and actions, intentional or unintentional, I forgive myself. May I be peaceful and filled with loving kindness.” Keep breathing, letting the breath open and soften your heart.
* Now focus on one person you wish to forgive. Breathe out any resistance or anger, and breathe in forgiveness and gentleness. Silently keep repeating: “I forgive you, for your words and actions, intentional or unintentional, I forgive you. May you be peaceful and filled with loving kindness.” Be gentle with yourself. Do not get sidetracked by the details of what happened. Let go of the story and breathe in forgiveness.
Feel the joy of forgiveness throughout your whole being. When you are ready, take a deep breath and slowly let it go.